The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
