just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
