I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
