Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
