I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
