Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
