My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
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You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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