Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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