after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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