I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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