He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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