and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
