i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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