dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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