I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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