Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
