my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
