No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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