I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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