if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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