why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
