Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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