Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
