The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
