I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
