His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
