mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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