Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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