and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is her dick bigger than yours?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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