Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
