Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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