oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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