as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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