Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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