I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish you could order shots online.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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