Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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