grandma shit on top of the toilet
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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