The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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