I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
