People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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