I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
