Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize