It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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