I am puke
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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