I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
