so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
