Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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