i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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