K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
