Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
