yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
