All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
