She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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