Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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