you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
