Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
