she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
