Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
