Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
