I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
